I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
