Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
