hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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