I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
