i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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