apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
