Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
