what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
