I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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