I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
