He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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