im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
