I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize