There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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