Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
