I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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