Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
