At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
