Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
