I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
