What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
