I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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