i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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