He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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