You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Randomize
