Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
