Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
