So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
