I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
