what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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