I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
