I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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