Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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