The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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