I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
