I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
