I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
