i may or may not be watching the land before time
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
