i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Girls should come with a carfax report
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
