4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
