Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My hand turned me down
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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