How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
