I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize