i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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