she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
