Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i think i have two assholes
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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