You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
