I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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