the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
