Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I deserve this hangover.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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