this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
