If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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