hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's always time for handjobs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
